I need blogging because it help me analyse, organise my thoughts.

Yes, it has been time since my last blog. So, Hi. I must explain my behaviour in the past few weeks. It was horrible. It has psychotic. It has mind-degrading, quite literally. So, it consisted of non-stop watching 'The Big Bang Theory' for hour. After doing so I felt like loser. I really want to stress on 'loser'. But I won't to keep the negative out. It consisted of sleeping at 6 in the morning. And waking in the afternoon which I also regret the most. It also consisted of some other stuff which shall not mention. The bird-eye view of these days is big 'Loser' writing with sloth and disinterest.

The weird thing about it is every second I passed in these days was filled regret. Even knowing I shouldn't do this or that. I would do them anyway. Even if I kind promised myself (not the manly-man promise) to not do something, I would still do it. I have thought about changing everything so many times that it feels complete B.S. by now. It feels hopeless. I do not know what to do. I can't concentrate and stay focused. Persistence is infinitivally small in my life. I need change this. I lose every time I try to change. I lose every time I write something like this very page and promise myself. I can't lose anymore, because now, I have very little hope left. How do I make this time different from every other?

Let us break the problem down.

• I can't stay persistent about something.
  
• I can't stay focused.
  
• I can't stick to myself.
  

Also, Due to the above problem, I feel continuous amount of demotivation and disinterest toward everything/life. I can't follow a time-table.

What could be the solution to all this?

I know what would make this time different from rest of the times! It is the result! Every time I try to change myself, I lose. This time I will not lose. That's how I will make it different.

Let's drop all the luxury and resources. This will help not take my mind off the stuff that is important. Luxury like 'The Big Bang Theory', gaming and the most important, INTERNET.

Just know my friend Balaji has signed in. He will probably ask me to join a CS game. He just did. I don't know what to do. This is it. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. My mind hurts. He just sent me the IP address to join the server.

I can't decide. What would I do if I choose not to play the game? Complete this post and post it online?

I got an idea let this be the last time I play? Excuses are coming to my mind. Let me play anyway!? God I want to play!

He just called me!

I must play for the last time. Sorry.

The Two Ways

Hi.

This is Harsh Gautam. Productivity was zero today. I almost wasted the day. Although I never stopped the thinking about being productive. Not even for a minute. I thought so hard that my brain-tissues hurt. My throat feels good. Almost normal. I starting to feel that I don’t have cancer or something. I was on 9GAG most of the day. Starting to get a little popular there. Lots of notifications and up-votes. I saw picture on the internet which talked about two ways a boy can live his life. I’ll show you guys.

Here, it is.                                                

This image made me think. I know it is stupid, and probably from the 19^th century, but it statistically it might be true. I hate how they refer to masturbation as ‘self-abuse’. Whoever created this is probably dead by now but please tell that guy how masturbation is in the list of healthy habits. I remember watching a video about masturbation by Dr. Lindsey Doe from the YouTube channel ‘sexplanations’ (which I highly recommend you to subscribe). She ended the video with a line which I think is a nicest way to describe about the health aspect of masturbation. The line I  don’t seem to exactly remember it. Approximately, it was like, “Eat, Sleep, Stay Hydrated, Masturbate!”

It is funny how, I planned to write about productivity and it turned about masturbation. Almost just like the day. Let me get to the point. I'm planning to stop masturbation completely. As I already have given up smoking. This is good. I am not saying that I believe this picture. But, what I plan to become in this life is huge. My dreams are high as fuck. And I think I must take these step. How does it matter you ask? I will gain some time. I will require less sleep. And I think these reasons are enough.  I will keep you posted if I succeed in this step.

This episode I watched from ‘Cosmos’, they showed the life of Sir Isaac Newton, and dude, he was always working. I was inspired. I plan to give that amount of energy. Although the time in which I should have worked has gone. But, I think my life is more than scoring marks and getting ranks. I plan to go phenomenal. I plan to go international. I plan to own a Lamborghini.  Also, I found this picture. 

I think I require a wristwatch which shall not ever be removed until I get what you want.
I will go now.

Later.
10:00:50 PM
Monday, April 7, 2014

Fucking Meds

Hi.

This is stupid. I am doing nothing. My head aches with laziness. The 4^th episode of cosmos is on download and it will take 2 hours more. I spent the last half an hour looking at download! Fuck! This headache on both sides of my head, my eyes don’t feel good, I feel out of breath, irritated. I feel like I should go out. Just like I did yesterday. Yes, yesterday, I played a game of Basketball. After a year or so. (I was in the school team.) And my stamina is down, man. The cigarettes have fucking made my lungs so week. They literally were paining. I will never have them again. I quit cigarettes on 17^th March 2014. That’s 20 days. But I collapsed and smoked last week. I don’t plan to have anymore. I am done. I was saying, about this stupid feeling. I want to work hard. I feel like I have been on some medicine. Fuck! I have been on medicines. Damn, it is them! The medicines I have been taking for my throat which is fucked due to smoking. Cough and all. Well, fucking clarity. Now, I know, what this was about. Thank God! (I am an atheist). I hope when I wake up tomorrow, it would be gone. This feeling. In that case, I must sleep ASAP. But Of course, not before I watch the 4^th episode of ‘Cosmos’.

I loved how I realized the reason of my problem which troubled me throughout the day while I was writing about it.

Thanks, writing.

Later.
9:16:38 PM

Internet Addiction

Damn, I got an idea. Check this out.

e ^{This whole fucking sentence is the power of e. Fucking voaah!}

 

That was stupid. Thank god, I haven’t put this blog thing online. Hmm. I am starting to think that I should do that. Maybe I will keep it anonymous.

After I watched the third episode of Cosmos... Damn, my mind was blown. Goose bumps after goose bumps. The hair on my skin went hard. It motivated me to work, to study. It made me study the next 2 hours which was very much needed. But then, the shit kicked in. I totally forgot my motivation. Went browsing stupid 9GAG and youtubing. I will tell you guys something. I am addicted to it.  How do I know? I sit on SpaceTime (I named my PC) all the time. When I don’t, I get this craving for it. And when I do get back. Damn, that feel. It comes straight to my brain and attacks to it. Give it a lot of that reward chemical. Shit, I can’t remember the name. It is called Oxytocin, no that’s the ‘love’ one. It releases a shitload of… Fuck, can’t remember! But you know what I mean, it gives me this wave of relief. And I can’t stay away from it. What do I do? I don’t know. I am 18 year old and I don’t need this addiction as I live in a second world country with huge amount of population and hence, huge amount of competition. You want the stats? The exam that I have on 9^th has total of 1400000 students appearing for it. That’s 1.4 million, I guess. We don’t use the million-billion scale here. We use lac-crore system here.  Out of that 1.4 million students just the top 50 thousand students get to nice colleges. Scary, isn’t it? And sad too.

Later.

6:46:21 PM